BatchSlap: Piping Hot Bachelor/ette/Pad Recaps, Served With a Side of Quinoa

The Bachelor Season 17, Episode 9: Sean Gives Up On Born-Again Virginity and AshLee Gets Fake-Stuck In a Cave

“Hello, Thailand!!!” That’s what AshLee is surely screaming from the top of a very, very precarious stool, while Sean stands on the front of a boat like he’s one of those things on the front of a boat. This is the week, people. The week when Sean has to choose the two gals who get … Continue reading »

The Bachelor Season 17, Episode 8: Sean Almost Gets Beat Up Twice and AshLee’s Dad Is A Rich-Ass Priest

Hometowns! After seven long weeks of Sean being a serious a-hole to all the girls and really letting his body go, we’ve finally made it. Would this week be better if it was Home Alonetowns, and they went to Chicago and New York, and had to see if they could find love amidst a series … Continue reading »

The Bachelor Season 17, Episode 7: Sean Meets Up With His Hot Sister, and Desiree Is Really Good At Calling Shotgun

Now, who’s hot, who’s not? Tell me who rocks. Who sell out in the stores. Dammit, the lyrics to Mo Money Mo Problems quickly stop being a metaphor for the episode of the Bachelor just before hometowns. But I’m glad I said them anyway. Seaplane alert! We’re off to St. Croix, crown jewel of the … Continue reading »

The Bachelor Season 17, Episode 6: Sean Tries to Kill Everyone, Then Desiree Explains The Joys of Living In a Tent Long-Term

Oh hey there. It’s me, Ben. You may remember me from such recaps as yesterday’s recap. And because ABC apparently needs to clear some space for this celebrity diving show on which Louie Anderson is going to do Reverse 2 ½ Pikes (this is a real show), they back-to-backed Bachelor episodes 5 & 6. So … Continue reading »

The Bachelor Season 17, Episode 5: Sean Potentially Has Feelings and Robyn Joins The Bad Girls Club

Get ready, peoples. Buckle yourselves into the pop-top Ford Econoline van I know you watch this show in every week — the one that’s just like the one my mom had, with the back seat that folds down into a bed, and the curtains, and the really tiny TV. We’re in for a two-night ride … Continue reading »

The Bachelor Season 17 Premiere: A Drunk Chick Wears a Wedding Dress and Sean Takes His Shirt Off Less Than You Might Think

Ahoy! That means “today” in Spanish, or something! And if it doesn’t, today is the day when BatchSlap gets its first full season of real-deal Bacheloring — none of that wonderfully confusing Bachelor Pad stuff that just waits for Body By Nick to bail it out by Keyser Soze-ing the whole deal at the last second. … Continue reading »

The Bachelor Season 17: The Women Tell Some Things, But Hold Back Most Of The Really Good Things Because They Don’t Want To Embarrass Themselves In Front of a Live Studio Audience

Aw yeah. The Bachelor: The Women Tell Some Things, But Hold Back Most Of The Really Good Things Because They Don’t Want To Embarrass Themselves In Front of a Live Studio Audience. I’m going with a liveblog format; it just seems to work better for these. 8:02pm: Chris Harrison in the hiz-house! What up dude. After … Continue reading »

The Bachelor Season 17 Week 4: Sean Is Attracted To People and A Damn Private Jet Finally Shows Up

Oh hey, welcome back. Didn’t see you there. Mainly because this is a blog and it’s not terribly easy to see through. But I’m glad we could reconvene together for a little show I like to call “ABC Presents Sean Agreeing With Everything Every Girl Says, Then Thinking About How He’s Going To Not Have … Continue reading »

I Vent About Kacie B On The Huffington Post

Yep, I wrote a letter to Kacie B, and tried to send it to Santa Claus, and it ended up on the Huffington Post. Here’s a snippet to get you all warmed up: Dear Kacie B, Yes, I know you dropped the “B” because there were no other girls named Kacie, or Casey, or Kasey, … Continue reading »

The Bachelor Season 17 Week 3: Sean Wins Humanitarian of the Year and Tierra Is Terrible At Stairs

And welcome back, you ridiculously attractive readers who are beloved by children and Richard Branson alike. While you were busy wondering who Sean was going on a solo date with this week, I was in Chicago making sweet eating-love to the sandwich you see below. I had it at this place Au Cheval, which may … Continue reading »

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