The Bachelorette Season 10 Fantasy Suite Episode Recap: Nick Gets His Helicopter Ride, Children Prove Why Josh Quit Baseball, And Chris Unfortunately Still Lives In Iowa

The Bachelorette Season 10 Fantasy Suite Episode Recap: Nick Gets His Helicopter Ride, Children Prove Why Josh Quit Baseball, And Chris Unfortunately Still Lives In Iowa

  The week has arrived. The one where Chris Harrison springs for an even bigger hotel room than usual, then tells Andi and the dudes (whoa, one at a time!) to go into it, and they turn the lights off, and it means they’re having the sex. It’s Fantasy Bang Suite time. Saddle up (note: … Continue reading

The Bachelorette Season 10, Hometowns Episode Recap: Farmer Chris Lets Andi Ride His Big Shiny Tractor, And Josh Is In Love With His Quarterback Brother

The Bachelorette Season 10, Hometowns Episode Recap: Farmer Chris Lets Andi Ride His Big Shiny Tractor, And Josh Is In Love With His Quarterback Brother

Ahhh, Hometowns. That joyous week when everyone’s family is weird, and nobody cares, except the girl they’re all desperately trying to get fake-engaged to. Let’s get right to it. The Nick Portion Oh man, we gotta start with this loser? This is no way to warm up. Whatever — at least we’re in Milwaukee, home of … Continue reading

The Bachelorette Season 10, Episode 4 Recap: Everyone Goes To A Casino And Doesn’t Even Gamble, and Andi Stops Being Polite And Starts Being Real (To Some Extent)

The Bachelorette Season 10, Episode 4 Recap: Everyone Goes To A Casino And Doesn’t Even Gamble, and Andi Stops Being Polite And Starts Being Real (To Some Extent)

I’m back! Remember me? From yesterday. I write this blog. Very often, recently. This week, our fine gentlemen and the girl with the boy name they all maybe love are striking out on their fabulous globe-hopping tour, and it’s all beginning in magical…Connecticut? Maybe it’s the one in France. Nope, it’s the one next to … Continue reading

The Bachelorette Season 10, Episode 3 Recap: Turns Out Andi Is a Super-Hot 80-Year Old, and I Tell You How I’m Total BFFs With Boys II Men

The Bachelorette Season 10, Episode 3 Recap: Turns Out Andi Is a Super-Hot 80-Year Old, and I Tell You How I’m Total BFFs With Boys II Men

Just when you thought it was safe to schedule important stuff like “don’t do anything because doing nothing is the best, plus also maybe ordering Thai food” on Sunday nights, Chris Harrison decides out of nowhere that you’re going to watch and recap The Bachelorette. Which is fine! Totally fine. I’m not upset at all. … Continue reading

The Bachelorette Season 10, Episode 2 Recap: All the Guys Turn Out To Be Chippendales, and Andi Chews On Long Stalks of Hay With Chris

The Bachelorette Season 10, Episode 2 Recap: All the Guys Turn Out To Be Chippendales, and Andi Chews On Long Stalks of Hay With Chris

Before anything else happens in this episode, let me make something very clear: there is SO MUCH FRUIT in the kitchen at Chris Harrison’s house he lets all the guys stay at. That isn’t even a joke about how 40% of the current guys are extremely homosexual. There’s literally about $10,000 worth of bananas, oranges, … Continue reading

The Bachelor Finale: All The Girls Absolutely Hate Juan Pablo, But Then They Want To Marry Him Anyway, And He’s The Worst Ever

The Bachelor Finale: All The Girls Absolutely Hate Juan Pablo, But Then They Want To Marry Him Anyway, And He’s The Worst Ever

It’s here!: The live studio portion of the show starring Chris Harrison, Sean & Catherine, Arie, Dog Girl, Sharleen, approximately 100 lonely 25-to-45-year-old women, and one dude, who looked really psyched about himself when they interviewed him. It’s also here!!: the actual show all these people are going to react to in a tiny picture-in-picture … Continue reading

The Bachelor Episode 3 Recap: Juan Pablo Attempts to Murder Cassandra, Then Sharleen Kisses Him Real Gross-ly And Everyone Hates Her

The Bachelor Episode 3 Recap: Juan Pablo Attempts to Murder Cassandra, Then Sharleen Kisses Him Real Gross-ly And Everyone Hates Her

BatchSlap is back. And insanely late again! This Venus colonization job is really weighing me down. Everyone’s all, Mars Mars Mars!! Let’s colonize Mars!! Eff that. Venus. Count it. Anyway, I’m trying.  So after two weeks, what do we know? Let us review: Renee is the nicest person to ever appear on this show not … Continue reading

The Bachelorette Season 9 Finale, Stunning Finale Episode No. 2: Everyone Wonders When Brooks Will Come Back, Then Dez Hangs Out With The Other Two Guys, Also

The Bachelorette Season 9 Finale, Stunning Finale Episode No. 2: Everyone Wonders When Brooks Will Come Back, Then Dez Hangs Out With The Other Two Guys, Also

A wise man named Leonardo Da Vinci once famously said “All Bachelor things must come to an end. Except for Chris Harrison’s impeccable sense of style and innate grasp of ever-varying trends.” And last night, he was correct once more. Get ready, dear peoples: it’s Second Part of the Thrilling Two Part Finale With a … Continue reading

The Bachelorette Season 9, Stunning Finale Episode No. 1: Brooks Maybe Breaks Dez’s Poor Heart, and then Brooks Maybe Breaks Dez’s Poor Heart

The Bachelorette Season 9, Stunning Finale Episode No. 1: Brooks Maybe Breaks Dez’s Poor Heart, and then Brooks Maybe Breaks Dez’s Poor Heart

And we’re finally here. The first two hours of the much-anticipated 47-hour Bachelorette finale event. DEZ WILL DEFINITELY CRY! But why? Were they tears of joy edited by the producers to fiendishly mislead us? Or is someone going to hurt her heart? Or maybe Ben will roll by in a four-wheeler and mace her because … Continue reading

The Bachelorette Season 9, Episode 8: Dez Heads To Everybody’s Hometown and Her Brother Is Probably Carrying Between 3 and 5 Knives On His Person

The Bachelorette Season 9, Episode 8: Dez Heads To Everybody’s Hometown and Her Brother Is Probably Carrying Between 3 and 5 Knives On His Person

And after seven long weeks of Dez not receiving a single spontaneous chiropractic treatment from somebody’s father, it’s Hometowns. We made it. This is unequivocally by favorite week of the show every season. There’s something almost bizarrely humanizing about it — these people are real people, almost! And sometimes I might not necessarily want them … Continue reading

The Bachelorette Season 9, Episode 7: Zak Messes Up Drew’s Hair, Then Dez Wiles Out And Basically Confesses Her Love For Someone

The Bachelorette Season 9, Episode 7: Zak Messes Up Drew’s Hair, Then Dez Wiles Out And Basically Confesses Her Love For Someone

THIS IS THE WEEK THAT TONS OF CRAZY SHIT WILL HAPPEN!!! The previews last week told me, so it has to be true. Said crazy things will definitely go down on Portugal’s Madeira Island, a member of the same-named archipelago in the North Atlantic and the producer of my second-favorite fortified wine. Never in Dez’s wildest … Continue reading

The Bachelorette Season 9, Episode 6: James Doesn’t Want To Be The Next Bachelor, and Totally Wants To Be The Next Bachelor. But Not Like That.

The Bachelorette Season 9, Episode 6: James Doesn’t Want To Be The Next Bachelor, and Totally Wants To Be The Next Bachelor. But Not Like That.

Helllllo, Barcelona!!! That’s not what they say in Barcelona. They speak Spanish there. Welcome to the portion of this show they didn’t steal from my personal vacations. Dez thinks Barcelona is the perfect place to fall in love. As long as I’ve been watching this show, the demolished part of the Jersey Shore has been … Continue reading

The Bachelorette Season 9 Premiere: One Dude Brings a 4-Year-Old to the Party, Dez Wears A Really Sparkly Dress, and The Naked Guy Is Naked

The Bachelorette Season 9 Premiere: One Dude Brings a 4-Year-Old to the Party, Dez Wears A Really Sparkly Dress, and The Naked Guy Is Naked

Despite persistent Prodigy chat-room rumors that I sold the site to a massive multinational corporation for a billion dollars and a DeLorean, BatchSlap is in fact back to chronicle sweet, sweet Dez’s decay into yet another Bachelor Robot who will end up marrying Ames or possibly Ryan the Water Heater Salesman, because that’s just what … Continue reading