The Bachelor Finale: All The Girls Absolutely Hate Juan Pablo, But Then They Want To Marry Him Anyway, And He’s The Worst Ever

The Bachelor Finale: All The Girls Absolutely Hate Juan Pablo, But Then They Want To Marry Him Anyway, And He’s The Worst Ever

It’s here!: The live studio portion of the show starring Chris Harrison, Sean & Catherine, Arie, Dog Girl, Sharleen, approximately 100 lonely 25-to-45-year-old women, and one dude, who looked really psyched about himself when they interviewed him. It’s also here!!: the actual show all these people are going to react to in a tiny picture-in-picture … Continue reading

The Bachelor Episode 3 Recap: Juan Pablo Attempts to Murder Cassandra, Then Sharleen Kisses Him Real Gross-ly And Everyone Hates Her

The Bachelor Episode 3 Recap: Juan Pablo Attempts to Murder Cassandra, Then Sharleen Kisses Him Real Gross-ly And Everyone Hates Her

BatchSlap is back. And insanely late again! This Venus colonization job is really weighing me down. Everyone’s all, Mars Mars Mars!! Let’s colonize Mars!! Eff that. Venus. Count it. Anyway, I’m trying.  So after two weeks, what do we know? Let us review: Renee is the nicest person to ever appear on this show not … Continue reading

The Bachelorette Season 9 Finale, Stunning Finale Episode No. 2: Everyone Wonders When Brooks Will Come Back, Then Dez Hangs Out With The Other Two Guys, Also

The Bachelorette Season 9 Finale, Stunning Finale Episode No. 2: Everyone Wonders When Brooks Will Come Back, Then Dez Hangs Out With The Other Two Guys, Also

A wise man named Leonardo Da Vinci once famously said “All Bachelor things must come to an end. Except for Chris Harrison’s impeccable sense of style and innate grasp of ever-varying trends.” And last night, he was correct once more. Get ready, dear peoples: it’s Second Part of the Thrilling Two Part Finale With a … Continue reading

The Bachelorette Season 9, Stunning Finale Episode No. 1: Brooks Maybe Breaks Dez’s Poor Heart, and then Brooks Maybe Breaks Dez’s Poor Heart

The Bachelorette Season 9, Stunning Finale Episode No. 1: Brooks Maybe Breaks Dez’s Poor Heart, and then Brooks Maybe Breaks Dez’s Poor Heart

And we’re finally here. The first two hours of the much-anticipated 47-hour Bachelorette finale event. DEZ WILL DEFINITELY CRY! But why? Were they tears of joy edited by the producers to fiendishly mislead us? Or is someone going to hurt her heart? Or maybe Ben will roll by in a four-wheeler and mace her because … Continue reading

The Bachelorette Season 9, Episode 8: Dez Heads To Everybody’s Hometown and Her Brother Is Probably Carrying Between 3 and 5 Knives On His Person

The Bachelorette Season 9, Episode 8: Dez Heads To Everybody’s Hometown and Her Brother Is Probably Carrying Between 3 and 5 Knives On His Person

And after seven long weeks of Dez not receiving a single spontaneous chiropractic treatment from somebody’s father, it’s Hometowns. We made it. This is unequivocally by favorite week of the show every season. There’s something almost bizarrely humanizing about it — these people are real people, almost! And sometimes I might not necessarily want them … Continue reading

The Bachelorette Season 9, Episode 7: Zak Messes Up Drew’s Hair, Then Dez Wiles Out And Basically Confesses Her Love For Someone

The Bachelorette Season 9, Episode 7: Zak Messes Up Drew’s Hair, Then Dez Wiles Out And Basically Confesses Her Love For Someone

THIS IS THE WEEK THAT TONS OF CRAZY SHIT WILL HAPPEN!!! The previews last week told me, so it has to be true. Said crazy things will definitely go down on Portugal’s Madeira Island, a member of the same-named archipelago in the North Atlantic and the producer of my second-favorite fortified wine. Never in Dez’s wildest … Continue reading

The Bachelorette Season 9, Episode 6: James Doesn’t Want To Be The Next Bachelor, and Totally Wants To Be The Next Bachelor. But Not Like That.

The Bachelorette Season 9, Episode 6: James Doesn’t Want To Be The Next Bachelor, and Totally Wants To Be The Next Bachelor. But Not Like That.

Helllllo, Barcelona!!! That’s not what they say in Barcelona. They speak Spanish there. Welcome to the portion of this show they didn’t steal from my personal vacations. Dez thinks Barcelona is the perfect place to fall in love. As long as I’ve been watching this show, the demolished part of the Jersey Shore has been … Continue reading

The Bachelorette Season 9, Episode 5: Dez Gets Plastered At Dinner, and Ben Skips Church Even Though the Jewish Guy Went

The Bachelorette Season 9, Episode 5: Dez Gets Plastered At Dinner, and Ben Skips Church Even Though the Jewish Guy Went

Welcome to the week the Bachelorette stole my life. We met our dirty thieves in Munich. Soon they’ll be eating chicken nachos at the Hard Rock Cafe before climbing up really long hills to see magical Disney castles in the sky, and then strolling through adorable little preserved towns and deciding that other, more traditional … Continue reading

The Bachelorette Season 9 Premiere: One Dude Brings a 4-Year-Old to the Party, Dez Wears A Really Sparkly Dress, and The Naked Guy Is Naked

The Bachelorette Season 9 Premiere: One Dude Brings a 4-Year-Old to the Party, Dez Wears A Really Sparkly Dress, and The Naked Guy Is Naked

Despite persistent Prodigy chat-room rumors that I sold the site to a massive multinational corporation for a billion dollars and a DeLorean, BatchSlap is in fact back to chronicle sweet, sweet Dez’s decay into yet another Bachelor Robot who will end up marrying Ames or possibly Ryan the Water Heater Salesman, because that’s just what … Continue reading

The Bachelor Episode 5 Recap: Juan Pablo Almost Definitely Has Unprotected Vietnamese Ocean Sex With Clare, And Then Nothing Else Matters

The Bachelor Episode 5 Recap: Juan Pablo Almost Definitely Has Unprotected Vietnamese Ocean Sex With Clare, And Then Nothing Else Matters

Another day, another $250,000 spent by Chris Harrison to send perfect strangers to exotic far-off lands, because he is the nicest person ever. This land: Vietnam. Didn’t we do a war here once? Kat compares their globe-trotting adventures to Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego. I’m not sure if Petty Larceny, Anita Bath, and … Continue reading