BatchSlap: Piping Hot Bachelor/ette/Pad Recaps, Served With a Side of Quinoa

This is all the football I watched last night

Ahoy! That means “today” in Spanish, or something! And if it doesn’t, today is the day when BatchSlap gets its first full season of real-deal Bacheloring — none of that wonderfully confusing Bachelor Pad stuff that just waits for Body By Nick to bail it out by Keyser Soze-ing the whole deal at the last second. This is the stuff I used to butter my bread with over at TheKingsburyFactor.com, and it was really fresh Martin’s potato bread, and it was delicious.

Real quick, since I’m still building this new recapping empire up, and you are clearly an awesome person, it’d be swell if you could be so kind as to give a quick follow on Twitter at @getbatchslapped, and like the BatchSlap Facebooks page here. Then they’ll tell you things you need to know.

For the unfamiliar, for the first episode of every season I just break down our contestants who made it through to Week 2, as there’s not a whole lot of story arc to tackle. You know how everything else works — Chris Harrison waves his hands around in majestic fashion, Sean does tricep extensions, chicks show up in limos, Sean does military presses, someone gets too drunk, Sean does curls, and then 10 chicks go home sad.

Let’s do this.

The Men
Sean: We already know basically everything there is to know about Sean. Namely, that there’s really nothing worth knowing about Sean. He’s tall, played football but didn’t actually play football at K-State, has wonderful deltoids that Mike Katz would be in severe envy of, lives with his parents, and eats armadillo for dinner 4x/week. I’d love for him to prove me wrong, but it seems like he’s nothing more than a warm, rippling body they recruited to stand there while the girls shriek about “how they didn’t come here to make friends” and “something about someone being poor.” To prove just how WILDLY UNPREDICTABLE he is, he started haphazardly handing out roses in the middle of the cocktail party. This will be the highest of high excitement we see from him all season. Except for when he thinks rape is hilarious and so he makes rape whistle jokes. Those are pretty good too.

That mean-face is actually Ray Lewis’s, and Photoshopped in.

Arie: Showed up in the beginning of the episode to instruct his “dear old friend” Sean how to kiss girls, because up until this point, dear old Sean’s been far too nice of a guy to disrespect girls by kissing them. Has like a billion Twitter followers. Still isn’t as cool as his dad.

Chris Harrison: Much cooler than Arie’s dad.

The Girls Craaaaaazy Sean Gave Roses to Early, Because He’s Craaaaaazy
AshLee F: She’s a professional organizer, and not even like a Trapper Keeper with Keith Hernandez on it. This is apparently a job, that people have. She was adopted. At the orphanage, one time she got severely punished for saying “please sir, I want some more…Closet Genie Smart Hangers, so I can properly organize this walk-in.” Pretty damn hot for being the old hag of the bunch at 32. Loves highly unnecessary capitalizations.

Desiree: Ok, I’m just gonna come right out and say it. Unless Shawntel Mortician comes back yet again, or Beastmaster Jeff with the mask somehow sneaks into contention on a technicality, this one’s going to be my favorite all season. She’s totally cute, seems super-sweet, has a something of a latter-day Winnie Cooper thing going on, and is “hoping for fireworks”, which will happen if she goes on literally any one-on-one date on this entire show. She’s somehow still bubbly despite making a living being mad lonely while selling wedding dresses to women who are temporarily not-lonely. She also seems to love children, albeit ones with really weird faces (see photo below)

I can’t quite place it, but I swear something is just off with these kids

Jackie: When she got out of the limo, she threw on a bunch of hookerish lipstick, then aggressively Arie’d Sean’s cheek to “put her mark on him.” Pretty cute. Her, not that move. That’s all I got.

Selma: If you tally up all of the things a man looks for in a woman, but can’t say he’s looking for in a woman, because he’s on a network reality TV show about “finding love,” well…Selma has those things. Namely, a real estate license!! But also boobs and butts and stuff. She has a bit of a jersey-chaser stigma, though, as she used to date the very sexy baseball catcher Mike Napoli. On the bright side, completely unreliable commenters on PlayerWives.com, including the esteemed DJ Pullout, claim that she was the one who broke it off, so you have to give her some credit there for realizing he’s not actually sexy.

She’s the one on the right, with the really big, um, hair.

Hey good lookin’

Sarah: So here’s the deal with Sarah. About two weeks ago, I find out that my friend Alex in LA has a good friend who’s going on the Bachelor. Turns out this is Sarah. I asked my friend to write Sarah’s bio so I didn’t have to, but she had a bunch of work stuff and wasn’t able to. There were two reasons why I asked her to help: 1) I’m incredibly lazy, and 2) Sarah has kind of a, um, different situation, where she was born with only half her left arm, and Alex is probably a lot better than me at talking about it. But again, WORK! Anyway, she’s a serious looker and totally sweet and I’m not just saying that because I have to, because NOBODY TELLS ME WHAT TO SAY, and also she doesn’t even follow me on Twitter yet.

Tierra: Everyone say congratulations to your First First Impression Rose Winner! That’s right, the girl who — in a transparent attempt to show up Sarah — has a weird tattoo on her hand that signifies that she only has half a heart until someone either completes it with love, or pays like $75 to have it finished up at the local ink shop. I thought Sean was going inside to get White-Out; instead he came back with that rose. She’s 24 and wants to have a family because she’s “very family-oriented,” which seems like a great reason to have family. She also works in Vegas as a “leasing consultant”, making me wonder just how awesome her stripper name is if her real one is Tierra.

Robyn: Racial Barrier Breakdown Alert!!! This lovely oil field account manager from Houston is our first African-American contestant through to week 2, on a show that averages negative-5,000,000 African-American contestants per season. She also sings this awesome song Dancing On My Own.

Leslie H: So we’ve got two people named Leslie on the show, none with the last name Neilsen, so that’s a missed opportunity. But this one accounts for Racial Barrier Breakdown Alert No. 2!! She’s a professional poker dealer and says she wants to be a homeless person for a day at some point.

Katie: Does yoga. Don’t care.

Catherine: She’s hot in that cool half-Asian kinda way. She’s also a graphic designer, which’s not nearly as badass as job as a TurboGrafx designer, who gets to come up with the below.

Brooke: Holy what! Continued Racial Barrier Breakdown Alerts!! She seems like a sweetheart, has cool hair that kinda makes her look like she could’ve been in a Motown band, and tells Sean that he looks beautiful, although not quite as convincingly as Arie did.

Diana: Dirty Diana is older than Sean (31), kinda not that hot, and didn’t really get dressed up. She’s probably not the one that MJ wrote a song about, unless it was another dude I know named MJ who lives in Atlanta, and sometimes writes songs.

The Girls Sean Made Sweat Because He Is Maybe Actually A Dick, Which Would Be an Awesome Twist
Amanda: Here at BatchSlap, we believe in honesty. Also, Santa Claus, the Tooth Bunny, and that Cerrano from Major League should actually be President. But because of the honesty thing, I’ll just say it: Amanda is really not terribly attractive by Bachelor standards. She’s cute and bubbly, just not, like, hot. When she got out of the limo, she told Sean she wanted to get the awkward pause out of the way right then and there. I bet you dollars to donuts (Tim Horton’s only, please) that she talks about that staged awkward pause later, to break up an actual awkward pause.

Lesley M: Political consultant from, oddly, DC. As she’s quite fit, she appears to have somehow resisted the siren song of Jumbo Slice Pizza in Adams Morgan. Should be around for a minute but I don’t see her winning this.

She’s the one on the right, with the really low-cut, um, tiara.

She’s clearly read up on how best to attack this thing

Kacie B: She’s back!! Her whole situation is very weird, but here goes. Far as I can tell, after somehow letting Wino Ben break her heart, she met Sean at one of these aggressively incestuous Bachelor/ette casts-through-the-years gatherings, and either 1) banged him and wanted more, or 2) ended up with such a serious crush on his sculpted calves that she couldn’t wait to bang him until he broke up with whoever he chose on this show, then came to another one of those parties all single. I’m really not sure why she’d even attempt this; no matter how cute she is, the numbers are just not in her favor. That said, they do seem kinda perfect for each other — they’re both good-looking, legitimately very nice, and talk in weird accents when the situation calls for it. This better not disqualify the possibility of a Chick Who Comes Back in Crazy Fashion.

Just one of the many past girls who has come back in crazy fashion

Daniella: My only note: “pretty in a kinda regular way.” Didn’t do much but might be a dark horse if she’s got any sort of personality. Appears to be much less South American than the average Daniella.

Kristy: I’m really struggling with Kristy here. I should like her, seeing as she attended my beloved alma mater, the University of Wisconsin Hyphen Madison (as proven by these pictures of her all drunk and rubbing up on dudes around campus), and seemed to be a working Ford model at some point, and not the kind in Focus commercials. But there’s just something off about her hotness that I’m not digesting quite right. She looks amazing in photos like the ones I thoughtfully added below, but in real life it’s like you took Milla Jovovich, popped in one of those palate expanders from 5th grade, and just kept cranking it and cranking it until she had a mouth the size of Andre the Giant’s. That said, she’s still a babe, although probably too flashy for Sean long-run.

Taryn: Basically the female version of Sean. Totally jacked, unnaturally blonde, doesn’t speak unless spoken to. My money’s on an NFL combine-style lift-off for their date, to see who can bench 225 more times. She’d definitely take him in the three-cone drill.

Lindsay: Lindsay proves to all those dreamers out there that if you want a hunk of a man, all you have to do is show up in a wedding dress to a cocktail party that is not your wedding, get drunk like it is your wedding, swear you’re “not contagious,” and most importantly, be cute.

Jodeci Video: Is just here for the crap of it.