Well folks, it’s that time of the year again. The time when people in the Midwest can throw boiling water in the air and watch it instantly turn to snow instead of burning their faces off. The time when I’m still pretending like I’m going to eat French fries only once a week. The time when they start The Bachelor on the same night as the national championship football game, and I forget to watch most of the game, but catch the last two drives by pure chance, and still feel like enough of a man to live with myself, barely.
I honestly can’t tell you how much I’m looking forward to this season, even though I will now do exactly that, and tell you: I’m really very much looking forward to this season. Juan Pablo may well be the only truly likable Bachelor I’ve ever blogged about, the crop of girls is so good-looking that Ashley would’ve been cut on the first night like she should’ve been on Ben’s season, and I heard that in the sixth episode, Chris Harrison cures polio all over again, just for the hell of it.
Anyways, like always, I’m going to take this week to break down every girl who got a rose and provide you a non-ABC photo for each, plus do the same for all relevant guys, minus the photo. Mazel tov, to all of us. Also, I have to say that while he’s no William Jennings Bryan, Jameis Winston is a damn good quarterback.
Chris Harrison: At this point, Chris Harrison is just Chris Harrison. His tie is skinny, but I’ve seen skinnier. His suits are pimping, but I’ve seen pimpingier. He hasn’t aged a day in 18 seasons. He’s just…Chris Harrison. I never thought I’d say it, but he’s kind of become a non-entity. Not because he’s regressed or lost his edge or anything, but because he refuses to evolve or showboat because he knows it’s never about him. He’s the ultimate facilitator. And that, dear Chris Harrison appreciators, is precisely what earns him his spot in the masthead of this blog. That and the ties.
Sean the Former Bachelor: Now for those who don’t know, I am basically best friends with Sean. We met once, and he talked to me, and he didn’t tear off his shirt and kick the shit out of me when I stared at Catherine’s very nice butt. Now he’s on the show to give Juan Pablo vital advice that will guide him through this babe-filled crucible. But he doesn’t actually do that. Instead, he just tells stories about how he made out with lots of ladies and now spends his days scrubbing skunk-skank off dogs with that Catherine chick with the butt. They should really bring Arie back for all these segments.
Juan Pablo: He’s basically the Sofia Vergara of dudes. He’s charming, and he dances, and he speaks in accents that seems to be engineered specifically to get women to openly tell both him and each other how sexy he is at all times. All this works so well, in fact, that when it’s revealed that he’s actually from upstate New York, it doesn’t matter in the least.
Camilla The Daughter: When she Facetimes her dad, she insists on sitting in the kind of chair favored by Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget. And now I realized that she’s almost 100% definitely Dr. Claw, but just didn’t have the glove on while they filmed, to throw us off.
Sharleen: This is the part where I’d typically say congratulations to our First Impression Rose Winner, except she likely wouldn’t accept said congrats, and almost didn’t accept the rose itself. Unheard of!! She seems to hate Juan Pablo because he’s trying too hard to prove himself to her because she hates him, which is only going to drive him to prove himself to her more because he wants her to stop hating him, which is only going to make her hate him more for trying to prove himself more because she hates him even more than that. She’s an opera singer, she’s from Germany but actually she’s from Ottawa, she keeps saying “thank you sir” as if she was trying to pledge the Kevin Bacon frat in Animal House, and her lats would seem to indicate that she can do one-armed dumbbell rows with 95s. If she’s around three weeks from now, I might not be.
Andi: Andi is a lawyer who exclusively prosecutes gays. Or maybe gangs? She didn’t say it that clearly. She’s also the fourth hottest lawyer ever, behind Angie Harmon, Jill Hennessy in like 1994, and Sam Waterston right now. She likes being in control, she doesn’t read much, and classifies herself as a hopeless romantic. Oh, those romantics so rarely have hope! Did I mention she’s a total sexpot? I did mention that, didn’t I. Real threat right here.
Lucy: Lucy is a free spirit. For a living. So I guess that technically makes her a paid spirit. She didn’t wear shoes, she jumps around a lot, she has flowers in her hair, and during their first meeting, she lays down on Juan Pablo like he was a goddamn Craftmatic Adjustable Bed. But the most interesting thing about Lucy is that her Instagram is riddled with photos of her and Kate Upton. They’re friends. This absolves many of Lucy’s sins of annoyingness. Of course I danced the Dougie for 15 minutes with Kate Upton when only 2,348,934 YouTube viewers knew who she was, but that was before Instagram, so nobody believes me.
Cassandra: You know when you look at the dancers at an NBA game, and you’re all, “man, those girls must be horrible conversationalists”? No, of course you don’t, nobody’s ever said that. But it turns out it’s true. Side note: her boobs were so abundant when she got out of the limo, I let a “whoa” slip and got a piece of wheat bread thrown at my face by The GF.
Clare: Clare is very good looking, especially considering she’s the old maid of the bunch at 32. She styles hairs in Sacramento, claims to have never taken a vacation in her life, and “admires the nobodies of the world.” She of course has no idea who they are, specifically, to let them know she feels this way. She drops a serious bomb on JP straight off the top about her dad dying of cancer, and how she’s got this DVD from him that she’s not going to watch until she finds the man of her dreams. So she’d better do that soon because I considered buying a DVD player the other day and you seriously can’t. She’s also part Mexican, which means she’s going to say things like “me gusta” and “el mercado aire libre” to Juan Pablo, to be extra sexy.
Alli: Someone had to bring a soccer ball and wear Sambas (not even the sick Samba Ks I used to rock because I’m totally fine with Adidas killing kangaroos so I can gain like 3% more touch while playing indoor soccer), so Alli stepped up and just did it. The GF thinks she’s one of the top two best-looking but I’m not totally sure I’m on board there. Definitely top 7 though.
Amy L: Is not Amy Who Does The Massages, so that’s a strike against her. I really wanted Amy Who Does The Massages for at least a couple weeks. This one’s a TV reporter somewhere, and she’s definitely cute enough for it. She also has a extremely wide mouth. If it really came down to it, and some bad guy was like “stick all 14 of these White Castle sliders in your mouth at one time, or we’re going to murder all those adorable little rabbits,” those rabbits would be in zero trouble at all.
Lauren S: When a girl drives a piano-bike down a jagged cobblestone driveway, then butchers a song the song she wrote just for this show, you know she’s a keeper.*
*But only when she’s also really very good-looking.
Kelly: “Molly insisted on coming.”
Molly The Dog: “I swear to god I wanted no part of this thing, I thought the bitch would get the idea when I bit her hand and drew blood. At least there’s champagne and flavored vodka spilled everywhere near this pool.”
Nikki: I Google Imaged all sorts of photos of Nikki, because it’s my goddamn job and I don’t like to be bad at my job, and I couldn’t really get a read on her. Sometimes she looks really hot. Sometimes she looks really mad. Sometimes she looks 19, but like, a mature 19 so it’s not weird that I Google Imaged it. Sometimes she looks like she has an amazing full-color tattoo of a wolf behind her left boob. Other times I’m pretty sure that was just from some other chick named Nikki’s Pinterest page. Anyway, she’s a nurse from Kansas City and basically made JP feel up her boob that likely doesn’t even have a wolf behind it, by forcing him to give her a stethoscope exam when she got out of the limo. So on that alone, I see her doing some damage here.
Danielle: Danielle has neat frizzy hair and pulls the smooth move of saying she has a present for Juan Pablo, but that she’ll give it to him inside. Then they don’t show it. But here she is, so it was probably those cool gloves that let you use an iPhone without taking them off, or a DeLorean.
Chelsie: Chelsie looks like Chloe from 24, except less squinty and more hot. NO MILO, CHLOE WAS NOT HOT, SHUT UP YOU GOATEED WEIRDO. From what I can tell, she’s a “science instructor” at a museum on Ohio. I’m not sure if this is much better than being a regular science teacher, or much worse. Cute though! Probably a little too much of a sweetheart to go deep.
Chantel: It’s not shawn-TELL, it’s SHAN-tell! And don’t forget it!! Even though Juan Pablo most certainly will.
Kat: Is not Kylie, even though Kylie tried to go get the rose when JP said “Kat.” So that was horrendously mortifying for her and she’ll likely never recover. Kat, meanwhile, looks a lot like Sweet Dee from Always Sunny, with the main difference being that she might actually be sweet. Juan Pablo thinks she smells good, and dances not as good.
Victoria: When a girl lists Andy Warhol as her favorite artist, and then you find out she’s Brazilian, you kind put aside your negative feelings towards those soup cans.
Renee: Although she looks more like an old-woman version of LC in this photo, Renee has a little Laura Linney thing going on. In other news, I watched Love Actually over the break, and what the hell is the deal with her plotline in that goddamn movie? She loves her brother with all the problems? That’s the love she gets, in actuality? Everyone else is scoring huge wins! Even the stupid dude with those stupid cue cards! Bumbling, lonely, cheated-upon Colin Firth gets to marry a pretty damn hot Portuguese chick just because he learned four words in her language, yet Laura Linney can’t bang Paolo from Lost because she likes her brother who tries to hit her better? Why can’t she love both? Is it because she’s American and those awful Brits just can’t get over us ditching them?
Also she’s got an 8-year-old kid and thus is never going to win this thing. His name is Ben though, so that’s pretty dope.
Christy: She’s a marketing manager. Other things. I’m getting pretty tired here.
Elise: Elise is very pretty, and very blonde, and has likely rushed her first-grade students into premature puberty with her giant rack. I literally wrote “busty” three times in about 14 words worth of notes on her. Much like Chelsie, I’m not sure she’s enough of a chase-around challenge for JP, but she seems swelled in many ways.
Next Week: Expect absolutely none of that crazy stuff from the preview, because that won’t happen until like week 8, but they’ll keep tricking us into thinking it’s soon!!